Lately I’ve been reminded to let God be God, no matter the season He’s given me to dwell in. There’s a certain art to being content no matter our life’s epoch, and King Solomon also wisely said in Ecclesiastes 3:1 that “for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Sometimes I need to give myself grace that the things I used to do or the things I strive to do may not be attainable in my current season, and that’s okay. Sometimes, we must have the wisdom to know when it’s time to let go of something and embark on a new journey.
I wanted to share a series of poems I wrote in my college days during a time of significant personal change. Poetry is for me what the rest of writing is, but more distilled: an outlet for processing my thoughts and emotions. It’s a form I haven’t used much lately in this time of my life, which is partly why I’ve been reflecting on the stages we go through. I’m sure the day will come again when my verse takes more forms than novels and blog posts, but for now, I’ll simply appreciate the days when I had time to spare for soul-searching.
As with all my writing, I pray that it blesses someone with the words they may need to hear at the right time.
Winter
When I see the flower
Pushing up through the snow
I know spring is arriving
It’s as if a switch turns on
For the world to reawaken
And I wish my heart
Could do the same
But it is too cold right now
Too hard-packed and impossible
To think of spring
When I’m caught in the middle
Of winter
I know the earth is regaining
Its sense of color
Only building for the future when all
Bursts forth
In glorious song
My soul cries out to You
To thaw my frozen being
And bring me home again
For every time the leaves fall
My own heart must surrender
Everything I am
I’ve already given up
My hold of this world
My fingers have learned
From being pried open too many times
That it’s better to hold things loosely
And at arm’s length
Than to have them yanked away
I hold fast to hope
An anchor for my soul,
Firm and secure
Because it’s all I have left
Everything else has been buried
Under more snow than I can shovel
Silenced by the thought of waiting
And uncertainty
But I’ve decided I’m okay with that
The silence and the space
When it seems like my prayers
Go unanswered
Except by a still, small voice
That begs me to hold on
And trust
That whatever trials I may face
Whatever the suffering and longing
Or pain of separation
I must press on
Because this winter won’t last forever
And there are simply some storms that
Must be endured
Until the flowers bloom again
Spring
Flowers line the sidewalks
Bobbing their merry heads
At the feet that pass them by
Without a second glance
Except mine,
Which bend to touch the delicate petals
And breathe in their fragrance
The weather is warming
And my heart is thawing
From the cold winter it has faced
My soul awakens and feels
New growth
Coming alive with the sunshine
And a warming towards you
As gradual as the snow melting
Because something has shifted within me
That I cannot pretend to understand
Something as small as a breath of wind
A whisper
You asking my name
Spring has finally begun
I feel it in the way the trees shake
When a warm breeze rustles them
In the way the birds sing louder
Than before
In the way my spirit is light
When I think of you
And although your name
Hits me like the scent of new earth
I can’t say I love you yet
Because these things,
Like flowers blooming,
Take time
And you wouldn’t want me to say it
Unless I was certain
Right now, I don’t know how to explain
What I feel
Because I want to love you fully
The way you deserve
But I don’t know how
Perhaps it’s a matter of waiting
For the right moment
Just like the seed knows exactly
When to open
I am waiting for the right moment
To let go of the shell around me
Summer
I want to age gracefully, like a tree
One who goes through each season
With anticipation of the next
While still having the presence of mind
To be content
For although it’s the same old landscape
It’s known all its life,
Somehow the tree sees it
With fresh eyes every year
I want to be content
Where You’ve planted me
To make the most of this season
But the summer winds have blown in
Bringing dry gusts of sand
From the desert’s topsoil
That sting my eyes and
Thwart my carefully laid plans
And the sun beats down my back
Telling me to find water
But this drought in my soul
Needs more than a drink
To satisfy
It craves Your voice of reason
Telling me to rest and wait
Or urging me to go
It’s the lazy heat
And buzzing of insects
With no hint of storm clouds
In the distance
That make me long for a monsoon
Some storm to weather
Some flood to navigate
Instead of this endless slow wait
For rain
This wait for life
Or to have hope again
That the monotony will end
I’m waiting for You to speak
And only in this hazy summer day
Can I stop moving long enough
To feel how much I need You
Autumn
The saddest part about fall
Is the leaves changing color
Because when the green starts to fade
The slow death of the leaves begins
Such a transformation must take place
At the expense of the life they once were
I walked along the path
In air crisp from the early morning
My fingers traced the initials
Carved into the trunks of aspens
That outlined years of others
Traveling this same road
Maybe they also stopped to admire
The bright yellow leaves falling from above
When a gust of wind ruffles the treetops
Or the awestruck wonder that hits
Upon realizing how small is their life
Some say you must fight
To reach the top of the world
That freedom comes with struggle
And love, with pain
That you must do all, be all,
To have all
But there’s a funny thing about love
About sacrifice–
The more you give,
And the more you let go,
The more freedom finds you
The hardest part about love
Is giving up control
And accepting that change
Is bound to occur
Regardless of how tightly we grip
But like the leaves
Whose beauty inspires even the hardened heart
There are lessons to be found in submission
For we must learn to stop fighting
And start listening
The only way to be transformed
Is to give up all I’ve ever known
To see the death of my old self
And give up my grip
On everything I once was